Yet Another Medieval EEnE Story
by elejamie
Summary: Join Ed the Paladin, Eddward the mage and Eddy the thief as they go on an epic quest - as ordered by Sir Prince Kevin (yes, that's really his name in this story) - to retrieve the Holy Jawbreaker of... Something or Other from the evil Kankerian Witches. Rated T for the odd bits of swearing, violence and all that. Rating might go up, but it probably won't.
1. Chapter I: A Quest of Some Kind

Yet Another Medieval EEnE Story

Chapter I: We are Going on a Quest of Some Kind…

Disclaimer: EEnE belongs to Danny Antonucci and aka Cartoon. This story was also inspired by The Sims Medieval (EA), Baldur's Gate (Bioware), Lord of the Rings, Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Game of Thrones (just because), to name a few. And anything else belongs to their respective owners. I'd also like to thank TV Tropes, for obvious reasons.

A/N: Forsooth! Here, we hast…

OK, I can't keep that up. What we've got here – apart from failure to communicate – is a story about Ed, Edd and Eddy, set in Medieval times. Nothing new there. Unlike Edarchy, this is more based on the show (to the point where Eddy's a Halfling instead of a human), but that's not saying I won't be borrowing a few things from what was originally supposed to be my magnum opus.

As my profile said, this is a story with Ed the Human Paladin, Edd the elven mage and Eddy the Thief and their quest to find and reclaim the Holy Jawbreaker of… Something or Other from the evil Kankerian Witches. They meet some strange characters, including Sir Prince Kevin (sic), the evil-but-not-evil-enough-to-be-considered-an-antag onist guy who's on the throne, just to keep it warm; Nazz, the Cleric who shows up every now and then to help out the Eds; Jonny, the somehow Chaotic Neutral druid who, along with Plank (the same one from the show), guides our heroes through the forest; and Rolf, the peasant farmer who's also a blacksmith in his spare time.

Alright, enough talk. Have at ye!

* * *

There was a village in The County. Its name was Peach Creekia. Original name, huh? It consisted of your usual Medieval houses, a temple for its inhabitants to pray to Celestius (the god they worship there), a couple of stores for whatever you need and an inn, which is self-explanatory. It was a peaceful village, with a sign that said "73 days since last invasion". It's a peaceful village, although it wasn't too far from a bandit camp, which explains why it keeps getting invaded so much.

Thankfully, about a quarter-day's walk from the village, there was Castle Van Couvair, the usual residence of King Daniel II, who was away on a business trip (read: In a war somewhere). So he hired his most trusted warrior – Sir Kevin – to rule the throne whilst he was off (hence his incredibly awkward title). Sir Prince Kevin was a stern man who had moments where it looked like he was abusing his power. But everyone knew that he wanted to do the right thing, which was why he always charged into Peach Creekia in order to defend it from the bandits. He needn't worry about any diversions, as he always kept some of his best soldiers behind at the castle to defend it.

But that's enough talk about the backstory or whatever. Sir Prince Kevin was a tall man – 6'2" to be precise. He wore the standard plate-mail armour, albeit with a green chest plate and black leggings underneath. What was more usual, however, was his helmet. It was, for some reason, shaped as a red backwards hat. No one knows why he has this design, as the man who designed it went insane and moved to a cave some distance away. Sir Prince Kevin himself had short red hair and a red goatee. He also appeared to have a small scar on his left cheek, which he claimed to be a battle scar; in reality he was spooked by a fly whilst he was shaving.

When he wasn't in charge of the area, he was training his troops at the barracks not too far from the castle. Some of them were bog-standard fighters, which, although they seem like mere fodder, can at least hold their own in a fight. And then there were his most trusted soldiers: The Paladins. They were trained to be the best of the best, meaning that, should they or their comrades be injured, they go in and heal them to the best of their ability. They had to be skilled, not just in close quarter combat, but also be incredibly skilled with crossbows and/or regular bows. When they're not busy in combat, they're busy policing the city. Overall, these brave men are not to be messed with. Luckily, they're the protagonists. Or, at least, one of them is.

Meet Edward, or Ed as he liked to be called. At the age of 24, he is the youngest Paladin, not just at the moment, but in the whole of The County. At the age of four, he was wandering in the woods when he was suddenly attacked by a wolf. Thankfully Sir Kevin (as he was known at the time) killed the foul beast with a single swift blow with his Longsword. After guiding the young Ed back home – but not before telling him "Careful, dork. Thou must be careful in the forest. Deadly creatures are about. Next time, I won't be here to save thine skin. Now sod off home, lest ye be wolf bait once more." – it was that moment that the lump wanted to be a knight. After doing several oddjobs over the years (human scarecrow; guinea pig for spells; and junk post writer), he finally afforded enough gold to train. After displaying such phenomenal strength, he was hastily promoted to Paladin; in hindsight, that was a terrible idea. Thankfully, he's the only Lawful Stupid Paladin, so there's no need to fret.

It was March 23rd, or whatever comes close in wherever and whenever this is set. Ed was alongside 15 other Paladins. They were dressed in blue tunics, black leggings and, for some reason, special sandals. Sir Prince Kevin rode up towards them on Chopper, his silver-coloured steed. When he was facing his soldiers, he said 'Whoa, boy.' After his horse came to a stop, he got off and began speaking. 'Alright, maggots.' He said as he started pacing up and down. 'Due to King Daniel being in another land, he has asked me to take his place for a while. Which means thou shalt do as I say. Dost I maketh myself clear?'

'Sir, yes sir!' They all said in unison.

'Good. I want thou to keep the village of Peach Creekia and her neighbours in order. Do whatever it takes. Thou must take the lawbreaker to the castle, where I shalt judge them. It is thy will. If…' He then noticed that one of the Paladins was smiling for some reason. 'What is thy name?' Sir Prince Kevin barked.

'Ed!' The young Paladin smiled back.

'Alright, Ed.' Sir Prince Kevin. 'Drop and give me 20! Now!'

'Aye, aye, cap'n!' Ed yelled as he tried to salute with a sword that came out of nowhere. Unfortunately, he ended up stabbing himself in the head.

'And take that sword out of thy head!'

'Okey-dokey, Kev!'

'It's Sir Prince Kevin!' The temporary ruler said. 'Even the author knows that!' Ed removed the sword from his head and began doing push-ups. 'Thou aren't even worthy to be my pack mule!'

Twenty push-ups later, Ed got back on his feet. 'Done!'

'Very well.' He then turned towards the rest of the Paladins. 'If force is needed, so be it.' He then turned away from them. 'How long am I gonna be out of character for?' He complained, sotto voce. He then turned towards them and started speaking normally. 'Look, all ye have to do is go around the city and arrest anyone doing anything illegal. The usual crap. OK?'

'Sir, yes sir!' The Paladins said.

'Good. Now get outta here while I try to say more Medieval stuff.' And so they did.

* * *

Meanwhile, in town, there seemed to be a small crowd of people gathering. About 5 or 6, at most. From the sounds of it, they were watching a man – presumably the town crier – speak about something. For one man, however, this was the perfect opportunity.

Say "hello" to Eddy, the Halfling thief. He's a drifter; no one knows his history. He has no known relatives and a number of people don't think he actually exists. The only thing that people know about him is that he's one of the most wanted people in The County. His most distinguishing feature – if that made sense – was his bright yellow robe with a red stripe down the middle, plus an indigo-coloured hood and cuffs. Luckily for him, he can go out in public without most people knowing about him just as long as he leaves that robe at home.

Anyways, he was looking to the left and to the right. He then grabbed a knife and he cut one villager's pursestrings. Yes, the villager's aren't smart enough to realise that carrying their small bags of gold on their belt is a bad idea. Eddy then did the same to the next villager and the one after that. When he got to the fourth one, however, he was spotted by a Paladin who bellowed 'Halt!'

'Gotta go!' Eddy said before running off, stashing the bags on gold in a secret compartment on his robe. He ran as fast as his short Halfling legs could before he went down an alleyway.

Unfortunately, this is where he ran into Ed. No, literally, he accidentally ran headfirst into Ed, knocking him out cold. Ed, on the other hand, stood there as if nothing happened. A few seconds later, the Paladin who was trying to make an arrest arrived at the scene. 'Good show, Ed.' He then picked the thief up by the scruff of his neck. 'There is a bounty on this man's head and I am sure to collect it. I'll make sure that thou receiveth a fair amount as well.'

'Cool!' Ed smiled.

* * *

When Eddy awoke – which was roughly an hour after being KO'd – he was no longer in his robe. He was in some brown tunic, which was big enough to cover up his… Moving swiftly on! But yeah, he was in the castle, his face covered with tomatoes, rotten eggs and animal parts. 'So the dork awoke?' Sir Prince Kevin said.

'Wha? Huh?' Eddy said as he tried to regain composure.

'I now have in my court one of the most wanted men in my court, do I not?'

'Who the hell art thou?' Eddy asked.

'Who? I am the hell Sir Prince Kevin! I rule the land, or at least I do until the rightful King Daniel returns.' Sir Prince Kevin got up out of his throne and walked towards Eddy. 'Thou art the famed Eddy the thief, art thou not?'

'Yes…'

'Good. Then I have a favour for thee.'

Eddy sighed. 'What is it?'

Sir Prince Kevin sat back down. 'Alright, I'm not gonna use that fancy "ye old-e English-e" crap, so just listen. On Mount Kankerian, there's the Holy Jawbreaker of…' He paused, trying to remember its name. 'Something or Other.' He couldn't. 'We need ya to get it before the Kankerian Witches use it to concoct a brew of some kind.' He then turned away. 'Close enough.'

'Yeah, sure, whatever.' Eddy said, uninterested. He too dropped the whole "speaking archaic" thing.

'If you do not return in 10 chapters – starting from the end of this one – or refuse to do this quest, you'll be in the dungeons for 3 months.'

'Alright.' Eddy was still as uninterested as he was earlier.

'So what's it going to be, dork?' Sir Prince Kevin asked. 'Three months of rats and piss or some quest that'll probably mean you'll get killed?'

'I shall go on a quest.' Eddy replied. 'Mostly because it moves the plot along.'

'Very well.' Sir Prince Kevin said, getting ready to resume speaking in "ye old-e English-e". 'On one condition. You take the fool with thee.' He pointed to Ed, who waved at Eddy.

The Halfling thief facepalmed before going 'Fine. Anything else ye need, Your Highness?' He asked mockingly.

'There is one other thing. The great elven mage Eddward lives in his tower on the outskirts of town. I require that you two pay him a visit before you go off. It's not too hard to spot him.'

'OK.' Eddy took off his tunic, unintentionally showing off his naked self to the court. He wiped himself off before picking up his trademark robe and putting it on. He felt around for the bags of gold he took earlier, but he couldn't find them. He then realised that Sir Prince Kevin and/or one of the Paladins took them. He didn't mind though; he could always steal some more. Or perhaps plan a heist.

About 10 minutes later, the duo finally reached the tower. It was basically your standard tall cylindrical tower, with grey stone bricks, a conical roof with spire and a few small square windows. Obviously, it was much bigger on the inside. Strangest of all, there appears to be no entrance or exit. Ed and Eddy were tempted to leave but then they realised that there were no other towers in the area, at least not for another 20 or so miles. They were about to give up when suddenly they were covered in a light blue glow. They tried to resist, but they were unable to move, so they both closed their eyes, thinking they were going to die. As it grew stronger, they themselves faded out. When they were no longer there, the glow receded until it too was invisible.

When they opened their eyes, they found out that they were in a living room. It was a small, cosy room, with a lit stone fireplace at one end and a wall that also doubles as a bookshelf. To their right was a wooden door, which presumably led to the area where he concocted his brews. The room itself somehow managed to a have a wood/stone effect, not just on the walls but also on the ceiling and floor. Not much else to say, apart from a few green chairs and a small oak table in front of the fireplace, behind them a rug with a green and white target pattern. A voice from somewhere off-screen then asked 'How can I help thee, gentlemen?'

This is Eddward. Ever since he was 15, he wanted to be a mage. No one really knows why, but there we go. When he was 40, he went to a wizardry school where he perfected his art and, later, taught for the next 60 years. Afterwards, he went to Peach Creekia to work as a magical advisor to both King Daniels and, for the moment, Sir Prince Kevin. Now some of you may be worried about what I've turned him into. But don't worry, in Dungeons and Dragons, elves live for quite a long time without aging. But, then again, it probably depends on which edition you're playing and other things like that.

He then stepped out of the shadows, revealing that he's wearing a robe that's dark red, apart from a purple area stretching front his waist to his knees. Covering his scalp, however, was a black hood with four white stripes, two each on each side. It appears to have been held on by magic, seeing as no one knows what's underneath apart from Eddward himself. In his right hand, he was clutching a white staff with purple stripes at both ends and around the middle.

'Art thou the great elven mage Eddward we hast been hearing about?' Eddy asked.

'Aye,' Eddward replied. ''Tis me. But please, for simpler sake, I request that thou callst me Double D.'

'Good. Kev asked if thou wouldst help us on our quest to find a "Holy Jawbreaker" of some kind.'

'Ah, yes. Sir Prince Kevin. I foresaw this.' He then walked over to a bookshelf and picked up a book. He opened it up and, after much skimming, found the part he wanted. 'Legend says that the Holy Jawbreaker is an ingredient used for spell making. It's vital if thou wanted a spell to have a greater effect and last longer, otherwise it is useless.' He showed them the book. It was basically a grain-coloured jawbreaker (much like the ones from the original show), mostly because that's what colour the paper is, surrounded by text, which kinda looks like the writing from the Voynich manuscript if it was upside down and mirrored.

'What about the Kankerian Witches?' Ed asked.

Edd closed the book, then re-opened it to the right section. 'The Kankerian Witches are composed of Leus, Maria and Mabell. They have existed since time immemorial and will continue to exist unless defeated. They will not age, they do not require food or drink to survive and magic has little to no effect on them…' He turned the page. '… Unless someone is able to reflect their powers unto them.' He lowered the book, mostly to scratch his nose. Afterwards, he resumed holding the book as he did earlier. 'It also says that, every 50 years, their demonic cackles are heard across the land, a sure-fire sign that indicates a possible attack.'

'And what are these "attacks" that thou speaketh of?' Eddy said before turning away. 'Man, I really need to stop speaking like this.'

'On the first day, it rains fire upon the land. On the second day, cracks begin to form to reveal mirages, lulling the king's Paladins and other heroes into a trap. On the third day, bloodthirsty demons ravage the land, killing – and, in some cases, eating – those who try to stop them, seeing as there's a chance the mirage trap might fail. And on the fourth, dire locusts emerge, consuming any crops and, occasionally, animals in sight; when it's eaten all it can, it explodes, covering the ground in a very fine salt which leaves the ground infertile for two score.'

'I see.' Eddy said, looking a little bit scared. 'So, mage, wouldst thou be joining us on our quest?'

'No.' Eddward replied. ''Tis too dangerous. I might be killed.'

'Ed can be mashed into a pulp and I could have my nostrils raped and nobody would give a damn.' Eddy started to become bitter. 'But if the mage so much as steps on a rock... Ooh, not the mage! Anything but the pretty boy elven mage!'

'But I am one of King Daniel's advisors.'

'So?' Eddy replied. 'Ed's a Paladin.'

Edd sighed. 'When put that way…' He picked up a few spell scrolls and potions before heading towards Ed and Eddy. 'Let us do this.' He chanted a few words before all three of them were covered with the same glow from earlier.

When they had teleported outside of the tower, Edd and Eddy couldn't help but stare at Ed in sheer horror. 'What is it guys?' He asked with a goofy grin. Turns out that he kept his eyes open as they teleported out. As a result, his eyes and his monobrow are not on his face. Yeah, that's not a pretty sight. 'I think it would be wise to install a door.'

'Ye think?' Eddy sarcastically asked. After Ed somehow managed to regain his eyes and monobrow, the three of them then began their epic adventure to find the Holy Jawbreaker. They are ready to deal with any foe that comes their way. They are ready to meet new friends along the way. And, best of all, they were ready to make The County proud, or, at least, Ed and Edd were; Eddy was only in it to avoid the dungeons.

* * *

A/N: I do apologise if Kevin is out of character in this chapter; I'll try to fix this without making him seem villainous. Also, Eddy seems a bit OOC, but this too will be fixed.

But yeah, sorry about it having a not-all-that interesting beginning. It gets better, I promise. After all, there are still some characters to introduce, some battles to be fought and some other things to… thing. So don't give up after the first chapter just yet!

No, I won't waste your time with more explanations. I don't really know why I bothered introducing them. But still, if you're unsure about anything, you can ask me. Or just Google it, which might be the better option. I'm not trying to be accurate with this story, which explains all the anachronisms (not to mention me taking a few liberties with EEnE canon), but still feel free to point out any complaints you have. After all, don't like, read anyway! You might get a good MST out of it.

So yeah, that's all for this chapter. What will I do next? I have no idea myself. I'll try to make it more exciting, of course. Although I'm tempted to ask for suggestions, most of you would probably ask for me to ship some characters (especially THOSE two, if you know what I mean). So I probably won't; but that doesn't mean I won't change my mind.

Alright, so I'll be going now. Hopefully, the next chapter would be more entertaining than this one. Until then, take care.

P.S. If you're wondering how to pronounce it: Cank-air-ee-an. Lee-us. May-belle. You should know how to pronounce "Maria".


	2. Chapter II: Standing Alone

Yet Another Medieval EEnE Story

Chapter II: Standing Alone on the Cliffs of the World

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. The chapter title is a slightly modified version of a line from Space Cadet, a song by a band called Kyuss (taken from their 1994 album Welcome to Sky Valley). Get used to that band being referenced quite a bit. The name "Lemonbrooke" comes from Shaman94's Two Best Eds Play – which I'm plugging because it's actually pretty good despite being in script format (which, on this site, is a no-no) – where I assume he meant "Lemon Brook". Also, how long is this disclaimer?

A/N: After the possible train... After the possible failure of Who She Is, I can finally get back to this. Oh, and Edarchy unless I decide to just give up on it (which might be the best option, considering how ambitious it was).

So what will happen here, you may ask? Apart from an obligatory GoT reference if I ever come up with one, we'll be introduced to the Kankerian Witches, who are pretty much the Big Bad here. We'll also say "hello" to Jimmy or Sarah, two fairies who try to hamper our heroes' efforts; although whether or not they are allied with the Kankerians or just freelance is unknown at the moment.

* * *

Lo and behold, the Eds were ready to begin their epic adventure! They have gotten their weapons ready – Ed has a regular bastard sword, Edd has his trademark staff and Eddy had the knife from the last chapter – not to mention Ed had put on some chainmail armour. They began walking towards the outskirts of the town when suddenly Eddy headed back to the village. 'Where art thou going, Eddy?'

'Forgot some things.' Eddy said as he walked back to the tavern. 'Wait right there, guys.' A good few minutes later, Eddy had returned. 'Just needed a few important supplies.'

'Very well.' Edd sighed. And thus the trio finally started their epic quest. For reals. What our heroes didn't realise, however, was that every single move they made – or are about to make – was being watched…

* * *

All the way over on Mount Kankerian, there was a decrepit old castle, the entrance of which is essentially a cave. The castle itself looked like a combination of the Hell Keep from Doom (or, more technically, the one from the intermission screen of Episode 3) and Neuschwanstein Castle. The cave itself looked like the entrance to Castle Grayskull… if it was a horse that had a bit of an overbite and looked a lot less cartoony. However, despite the complete blackness of the exterior, it is easily visible considering that the sky itself is blacker than the cover of Smell the Glove.

Inside, it wasn't as dark as it is outside, but you would still need infravision, a torch or at least some form of method for seeing in the dark to get around. In one room, there was a crystal ball emitting a harsh white aura. A few feet away, there was an empty cauldron, although its primary use was for eating as opposed to spell-making.

'When shall we three meet again?' The first voice said. The only way to describe it is gruff and mannish.

'When the hurlyburly's done.' The second voice said. It was shrill; albeit not bad enough that you have to cover your ears. 'When the battle's lost and won.'

'That will be ere the set of…' The third voice got off to a great start before forgetting what she had to say. Like the first voice, it was gruff and mannish, although not to that extent. If anything, there was still a few moments where it sounded faintly shrill. 'Line?'

'… The set of sun!' The first voice yelled in anger. 'Have ye forgotten thy script?'

'Aye!' The second voice yelled. 'We rehearsed this for weeks! Then ye come along and royally ruin it. Darn it, Mabell!'

These be the Witches Kankerian. Er… Kankerian Witches. As previously mentioned, they consist of Leus, Maria and Mabell Kankerian. Since the entire room was nearly dark – the aura around the ball not producing enough light to spread – it was hard to know what their true form was at the moment. But, if you were to hazard a guess, imagine the witches from Ed's hallucination (if you want to remember Boo Haw Haw) crossed with their normal selves. However, Leus' hair covered her face to the point where it's widely hypothesised that she has no eyes. Just bringing that up for some reason.

The first voice sighed. 'Maria, fetcheth me an eft.'

'Go get it yerself.'

'I'm the leader and thou hast to do as I say. 'Tis the rule.'

Maria reached into a jar and picked out what appears to be a dead newt, which appeared to have never gotten past the terrestrial juvenile stage. 'Here is thine eft, Leus!' she shouted as she threw the dead creature. It hit Leus in the jaw and slowly fell to the floor, landing with a slapping thud. If any of that made sense, of course.

The two of them began fighting. However, Mabell noticed something in the crystal ball. After trying and failing to get her sisters' attention, she cast a spell. Both Leus and Maria were covered in a light green glow as they slowly drifted away from each other until they were both off the ground. 'Oh yeah,' Leus realised, looking at her sister and how her hands were coloured in the same light green glow. 'I forgot she could do that.'

'I have something to show!' Mabell said. She then stopped casting the spell, thus dropping Leus and Maria onto the floor.

'What?' Maria asked before Mabell pointed at the ball.

All three witches congregated around it. There, they saw our heroes trekking through the woods. 'So…' Leus began. 'Fresh meat, eh? Come sisters, it hath been 49 years.' At that point, all three sisters began cackling loudly, a cackle that could be heard within a few miles of the mountain. This was a clear sign that something bad was going to happen.

* * *

In the forest, Eddy had managed to crawl out of a bush. He was then followed by Ed and Edd. It was clearly obvious that going through the bush was a bad idea, considering how their clothes were torn (except for Ed, who was wearing the chainmail armour) and their skin became punctured and bloody. Not to mention how there was a river nearby that they could've swam across. 'Apologies, gentlemen.'

Ed goofily chuckled. 'Kinda tickled.'

After spending the rest of the time grumbling and complaining amongst one another, the trio then arrived at a bridge. It was just a small wooden footbridge, except there were no rails to prevent you from falling into the water. It was guarded by a troll, who was heavily guarded in armour wielding a claymore (the sword, not the mine, obviously) in one hand. Except for a weakspot, of course. Where that is, I'm not telling. Yet. 'Halt.' It growled. 'Puny humans must fight me. No fight, no cross.'

Ed went first. The troll got ready and thus began the fight. What happened next was pretty much just your usual sparring match, nothing interesting there. About a minute later, the troll knocked Ed to the ground. 'Who next?'

Eddy went next. He had a different strategy: Stealth. He tried sneaking past the troll by going into the water, but the current swept him off his feet. He got out of the water and back onto dry land, seeing as there's no way for him to cross normally. So he tried sneaking past the troll by distracting it. It didn't work and so the two began fighting. Eddy did manage to hurt the troll but it didn't work. He too was defeated.

So now it was all up to Edd. The troll chortled. 'Puny mage think it can take on me? Me will crush you!'

'Nay, 'tis t'other way round.' Edd then jammed his staff right into the troll's family jewels. That's where his weakspot was. The troll fell backwards, clutching his sore spot. 'I thanketh thee.' Edd said as he walked past, followed by Ed and Eddy.

'How did ye…?' Eddy began before he was cut off.

'A quick analysis. Whilst protecting himself from other maladies, he forgot about protecting a certain part.'

Eddy noticed something but ignored it. Besides, it wasn't all that important. It was because he didn't know if Edd had used the right word. Then again, was it really that important? Was this really important? Who cares?

For three hours, they travelled through the village before they got tired. Well, Ed and Eddy did. Edd didn't, because he's perfect. Still, Ed and Eddy both sat down on a hollow log. Technically, Eddy sat down on it; Ed ended up going through it. 'Whoops.' He said, standing up and taking bits of bark out of his arse.

Unfortunately and unknowingly, he threw a piece right at a bush. 'Hoi!' One voice yelled. At that point, two fairies came out. They looked like Jimmy and Sarah and were dressed like them too (in a combination of their regular clothes and cupid outfits from Hanky Panky Hullabaloo). The only difference was that Jimmy's wings were pink whereas Sarah's were blue, not to mention Jimmy doesn't have his brace (but still has his malformed-ish teeth). Oh, and they're about 2.5 inches, which is roughly the size of my thumb (which is holding my lighter down). 'Ed!' She yelled, despite the fact she doesn't really know him or anything like that. 'Stop throwin' bits of wood at us!'

Without saying a word, Eddy reached into his robe and took out a can of Raid. He shook it before spraying it at the fairies. Almost immediately, they fell to the ground. When they were in the mud, Eddy put the can back into his robe. 'Ouchie.' Jimmy moaned in agony.

'Guys, my feet hurt.' Ed said.

'Same.' Eddy agreed.

'Come on, gentlemen. 'Tis only a few miles until Lemonbrooke. There, we can rest.'

Eddy sighed. 'Fine, but you're paying for the room.'

'Prithee,' Edd began. 'When didst thee forget thy…'

Eddy interrupted. 'I banged my head against a tree earlier. Didn't knock me out, but now I can remember how to speak "ye old-e crap-e" or whatever the hell it's called.'

From out of nowhere, Edd got out a Biro and a list. He ticked off something at random. It turned out that he was ticking a box, next to it said "Lame excuse to move plot". It was right above "obligatory mention of popular pairing", which was also ticked; and "unlikable characters", which wasn't. He then put the list and the pen away, presumably they ended up in an alternative dimension, where crooks chase cops, cats have puppies and hot snow falls up.

After a while, they came across a guy in a flannel shirt, a black undershit, jeans and some black Velcro shoes. He was drinking from a hip flask, although no one knows what's in it and why some of the top is covered in Sellotape. Who is this guy and why is he ruining the mood? In fact, Edd even asked him 'Who art thou?'

_**I art the author.**_ I explained.

'Thou cannot write for beans.' Edd tried insulting me.

_**Tell me something I don't know.**_ I snarked back.

'Very well.' Edd tried coming up with something new, but he couldn't. 'Dost thou knoweth the way to Lemonbrooke.'

_**Sure, I can tell ya.**_ I replied. _**But I don't think you want to hear it.**_

'Prithee, Jamie, tell. It is thy story, after all.'

_**Very well.**_ I sighed. _**You're going the wrong way. If you keep going up ahead, you'll see a grey void which will kill you. You can't even tell if you're dying from boredom or dying from anger.**_ I turned to what seemed like a camera. _**Sorta like how I felt watching The Hunger Games.**_ Ooh, burn.

'I did say "right at the pile of dead bodies", ya moron.'

'Don't I say anything?' Ed asked.

'No!' Edd, Eddy and I yelled at the same time. To the point where I had to use the normal formatting thing for whenever a character and I talk at the same time. Or I could just write my lines like a normal character. But then you remember that I'm not actually a good author. Or something much less confusing.

'So…' Eddy said. 'Are ya gonna take us to Mount Kankerian or whatever the hell it's called?'

I chuckled a little bit before replying _**No. But I can make you guys get to Lemonbrooke faster. **_I then noticed something. _**All you need to do is give me my wallet back or else I shall put you in the void.**_ Eddy handed me my wallet back. _**Thank you.**_ I then decided to get back on track. _**Alright, I'm going to do a teleportation spell, so you better cover your eyes for this.**_ And, indeed, that's what our heroes did.

* * *

After doing something that even I can't explain, the Eds then found themselves at the pile of bones, which was where they made that wrong turn. This time, they made that right turn and ended up going the right way. They went right. Pretty subtle, eh?

However, the trio were still tired and wanted to rest. So that's what they did. They made a makeshift tent out of… something, made a campfire and began to relax. Just as well, it was starting to turn dark. They had some of their provisions and just lied down on the ground, gazing at the stars. 'Dost thou realise we have to walk to Lemonbrooke come morn?'

'Yeah, sure, whatever.' Eddy replied, not caring.

'Thou dost realise that walking is the only way we can travel; lest we can find an alternative form of transport.'

'Walking's fun!' Eddy said, having yet another breakdown. 'Look at all the fun we had walking.' He then lifted up his robe a little in order to take off his boots. There, he showed his feet. In short, they looked like the feet from that fungal nail ad I get from time to time on TV Tropes. I don't know if I can find the one I'm talking about; but if you do see an advert just like that, just imagine that it's Eddy's feet. Or, better yet, don't. In short, it's not every pleasant.

'Cool.' Ed said, reverting back to his canon self.

'Still, 'tis not long before we reach Lemonbrooke. After all, Sir Prince Kevin did tell us about a few people who require our help.'

'Like who?' Eddy asked, seeing as he's all relaxed now that he doesn't have to show them his feet. Ew…

'I do not know, he did not say.' Edd replied. 'All I know is that, if we do these tasks, we shall receive a hefty reward.'

'Maybe it'll be gold!' Eddy salivated at the thought of cash.

'Mayhaps it be knowledge.' Edd said, pausing half a second later because he realised what he said did not make no sense, no sirree Bob.

'Maybe it'll be gravy!' Ed yelled, waving his arms up in the air.

'Whatever it is,' Edd said. 'It can wait until morn.' And, indeed, some time afterwards, they headed off to sleep, leaving the campfire to burn overnight. They kept all their weapons on them, in case bandits or any other foe decided to attack them whilst they were sleeping. In all honesty, this isn't that bad an idea, although it can depend on what was attacking who and when. And, indeed, the fire did burn overnight, with it finally going out as dawn broke. A half hour later, the Eds awoke, had some provisions and continued their journey to Lemonbrooke, ready for anything that the townspeople would need them for.

* * *

A/N: Now that I've finished writing this chapter, I can hopefully get to work on something I've been putting off for a while.

So that's it for this chapter. Sure, it wasn't as long as the last one and, seeing as how I've written two one-shots that were at least 6000+ words (without explanations, which is what I normally use to pad out Edarchy) but, trust me, when I can think of more stuff to do here and/or when I get there, I'll be able to write a lot. Seriously, the battle between the Eds and the Kankerian Witches will be really detailed. Plus the following chapters would have more satisfying endings.

So what shall we see next? Jimmy and Sarah might make a welcome return. And I might make another welcome cameo, if I can think of an appropriate moment. However, I don't know whether or not to introduce Nazz in the next chapter or the one after that. It's just trying to keep it entertaining for about 11-12 chapters. Maybe I'll succeed or, much like Edarchy, there will be several uninteresting lulls. Either way, it's still a bit too early to tell.

So yeah, that's it for this chapter. Not much else to say here. Just keep an eye out for something that'll probably be making a deservedly welcome return within the coming days. Some of you will know what I mean, not just because I mentioned it when I began these closing author's notes. And, sometime after that, I'll get a start on that Keveddarie spin-off (y'know, the one dealing with Reverse!Edd). Alright, so take care and just remember this: Freedom run, free to run. Seriously, I should stop listening to those guys so much.

P.S. I've already explained on my profile why some of this is written _**like this**_instead of 'like this'. So it's worth a quick read, lest ye be confused.


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